Readers,
You know that I place honesty with you in high esteem. I aim for nothing less then brutal, straight forward, gut wrenching and heart breaking honesty, that some of you might be helped and encouraged. So I’m going to be honest with you again. It might make you squirm, be uncomfortable, and you might not understand it at all, but I still hope it helps. I hope it helps you down the same path.
I have another confession for you, reader. I have been battling depression for the past six months. Most of you know why. For those who might not, my father passed away in May, two days after the eight year anniversary of my mothers passing. It has been a brutal year, and the holidays are not helping.
It’s like being crushed and left adrift. I feel superimposed on everyone’s life. Like a wallflower. Silent, not attracting attention, just kind of there. And Sundays are the worst. I see everyone together, and I know that can’t happen for me. My siblings are scattered and my parents are gone. I see everyone with their spouses and fiances and boyfriends or girlfriends, and they’re all so happy and content and whole. I struggle with that.
Please don’t think that I’m not finding any form of contentment in Christ. I am, truly, but this is my weak spot, and its raw, and the enemy assaults it without ceasing, even as I rip the idols down and look towards Christ. This isn’t even wanting a relationship anymore. This is just wanting to have someone, anyone, who I can be close with again like I used to be. A friend that I can hang out with, talk to, and do stuff with again.
The attacks are craftier. I don’t have parents to turn to for advice and support. That’s gone. And I miss it so much! But I won’t ever have it. It’s lost to me, and that hurts.
Some of you who might be reading this and who have seen me since May might have noticed this from me. But then again, those who know me best aren’t around me anymore. But I have gone completely apathetic and malaise to pretty much everything. Everything but the Gospel. And that’s just because I don’t really freakin care anymore about anything but the Gospel!
The verses I have been most wrestling with are in Philippians. Chapter 1:21-‘For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.’ Oh, how living is letting me know Christ more fully! But to die, I would be free, no more sin, no more hindrance, nothing but knowing Christ fully and completely. This leads into verses 22-24-‘If I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me. Yet which I shall choose I cannot tell. I am hard pressed between the two. My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better. But to remain in the flesh is more necessary on your account.’ My soul groans, and I have cried out before, ‘if there is nothing left, take me home!’ I do not desire to linger. I want to be with Christ. I want to be full and made whole in Him. But for whatever reason, it is better I remain.
I am learning, though. I am trying to comprehend what God says in His word. He is my father now, and I am his child. He is bruising me, and weakening me, and I will diligently seek His purpose in it. He is using my grief and suffering to bind me and heal me. One day, He will mend me and make me whole. I must, as George Whitfield said, ‘repent of the sin of unbelief in my belief.’ Its hard to see the end. It will get worse. The holidays will see to that. But it will also get better. The joy will grow ever deeper roots.
Even as the attacks on my heart and soul grow more intense and hit deeper, the root of my joy, and my contentment in Christ grows stronger. It’s a myth that finding more joy in Jesus will always dis-spell depression and sadness. Sometime they work in unison. As I sink lower, I cry out the louder and cling the tighter. I have never experienced such deep, bitter sadness and strong, unwavering joy. But as one tries to drag me down, the other is pulling me up, proving itself as my Rock, my Fortress, my Salvation.
Dear reader, pain is not bad. Hurt is not bad. God may well be rooting you so firmly in the joyous all sufficient knowledge of Himself that you cannot be shaken. That no matter how badly it hurts, you will always come back again. You will not be lost to it. There will be joy again, and joy more deeply then you could have known otherwise.
The Sound of Madness 